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8. Open my heart to love and allow myself to be vulnerable

The number eight goal on my list was to open my heart to love and to allow myself to be vulnerable. At first glance, this may seem like I am the type of person who has commitment issues or something of that nature. But I am not, I am actually very much a self-identified hopeless romanic. In fact I “love, love”. I believe in all of the traditional values of love and relationships:  loyalty, respect, and romance. I like the thought of having someone who cares enough to ask how my day went and someone who is actually interested in hearing. I love the idea that I can comfort a man. Being single is perfectly fine, but a real relationships are so much better.

With that said, I’ve also learned to be very cautious and over protective of my heart. So although I am a hopeless romantic, I am not and never have been desperate for love. I value my heart and my vulnerability so much that I keep those things sheltered until I am actually sure that the man that I desire will not purposely hurt or take advantage of me. This isn’t to say that I am fearful  of being hurt, because I am not and I have been hurt plenty of times. Albeit, without actually opening up my heart or being vulnerable.

I am such the hopeless romantic that I’ve always approached each relationship completely unaffected by the last and completely optimistic that “all men aren’t the same.”

Back to point. When I say that my goal is to open my heart and allow myself to be vulnerable, I mean to give myself %100. Without fear of hurt, without games, without skepticism. All the while trusting that he too will give me all of him. I’m finally ready for that. I’ve started that, but it hasn’t been easy for me at all.

It is both easy and hard for me, actually. Let me explain. First, the person that I am giving %100  to is no stranger to me. We’ve known each other about three years now. But you see, the tricky thing about relationships is that timing is everything. When we first met, it was bad timing. I was a first year law student, then I got sick. And he, well I just don’t think he was mentally or emotionally ready.  So what had was two people who care about each other but who met at the wrong time. We couldn’t let each other ago, but we couldn’t keep it together either. We both moved on and then we both moved back.  Somehow, we just always kept coming back to each other. Fast forward. He asked me to dinner to talk.  I was bit skeptical, but of course I went. When he looked at me, I already knew what he was going to say.  In short, we finally got the timing right!  This makes opening my heart and being vulnerable very easy.

What makes it hard is the history. Let me explain. We don’t have a crazy drama filled history, no heartbreak, and no crazy third parties involved.  The history is really just the emotional aspect. The on again then off again then on again is never easy and it takes you through an emotional ride. What I am learning is that I have to forget all about the history in order to achieve number eight. I am human, I am imperfect, and I am a woman, so that makes it really hard to forget.

We are working on this everyday, I am learning to forget, and we getting stronger. My heart is open and I am vulnerable.  Still, there is so much work to done.

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I am not a lawyer

Yes, I went to law school and graduated. Yes, I passed the bar and I even got licensed to practice. And YES, I do currently practice law. But I am not lawyer. I am person who loves, dreams, and believes. My favorite color is pink and I’ve always and will always be obsessed with the color. I am a free thinker, I day dream sometimes and I cry sometimes. I laugh hard and loud and I smile frequently. Life is a fairytale to me, I am hopeless romantic. I am unapologetic, I do what I love. I love modeling and pageantry. I am a daughter, a sister, and a loyal friend. I am all of these things and all of these things make me a person. I am a person whose occupation happens to be a lawyer. Being a lawyer does not define me,  I am person first and always. IMG_6527

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Happiness Defined

I used to believe that happiness was defined by material things and objects. I used to believe that happiness was a status, a destination, a place that we all work towards. So to me, happiness was going to school, making good grades, interning, then graduating, then landing a dream job, then making money, and finally buying all of the things I used to dream and saving a large amount of “rainy day money.”  I was totally wrong and out of touch with true happiness.

hap·pi·ness
ˈhapēnəs/
noun
the state of being happy.

I had to go without in order to learn the true definition of happiness which by definition is the state of being happy. My path looked more like this: I went to school, made good grades, interned, graduated, landed a nightmare of first job, made very little money, quit nightmare job, no other job prospect, could barely afford  grocery, and rent became a source of anxiety. So, by my own definition I wasn’t happy, I should be miserable. But I wasn’t, I wasn’t miserable. I was HAPPY!  In fact, I’ve never been happier than I was at that moment or happier than I am right now.

How is this possible? Because happiness isn’t about goals, or paths, or material things. Happiness isn’t tangible, its intangible. It is something we feel, not something we see or something that we can hold on too. I was/am happy, because I just was/am.  There is no real explanation, no real definition. It is simply a state of mind, and only you can control your mind. I am happy, alive, and healthy.

Three months later and almost one year since graduation, those things that I want are finally starting to fall into place. I am happy regardless. I was happy before they fell into place and I’ll continue to be happy even if they fall out of place. I am alive and well and thats finally enough for me. IMG_6660